Say what you mean

At its core, negotiation is a dialogue, a conversation a shared journey towards understanding and agreement. The words you use and how you express yourself play an important role in framing this conversation and steering it into a collaborative rather than competitive space.

In these conversations it is important to get to what matters most as quickly as you can. For a heap of reasons, like for example, feeling as if we are being ‘braggy’ or that perhaps we’re not worth it, we often skirt around saying the things that mean the most to us. We infer important things, rather than just stating them directly. It is what Prof Chris Argyris from Harvard Business School calls ‘Easing in”. Where you try to soften a message by delivering it indirectly through hints and leading questions. The problem is “Easing in” has its own subtext level messages. It conveys “I have a view but it’s too embarrassing/difficult to convey directly so Im not going to be straight with you”. Right there, that’s where defensiveness starts. It can also confuse the other person and it wastes precious time. In the context of a meeting that you have asked for to discuss your salary and conditions, wasting time is a self-sabotaging move.

Instead, start by stating right away the purpose of your conversation and your key thoughts. Stay curious and honestly enquire whether or not the other person sees the situation the same way.

Here are three ways that you can say what you mean, without triggering defensiveness.

Don’t present your case as a non-negotiable truth. When you present your argument as an unasailable truth, then your negotiating counter-party is like to feel that they have been accused. They may also feel that you have made unjust assumptions about them. Their natural response will be to defend. Boom. The walls go up and suddenly you are arguing about the nature of what is true, rather than discussing your pay rise.

Share your reasoning and the research that has led to your conclusions. When you share how it is that you arrived at your current conclusions, it invites exploration and understanding. Your research should give you plenty of material to explore. That you have prepared well will convey thoughtfulness and care. This in turn will provide them with an insight into your motivations. Through this open discussion that follows the conversation is able to work towards to find the places where you agree.

Avoid exaggeration. Words like “Always” and “Never” may feel like the words you want to use to express the depth of your feeling on the matter, however they are words that are frequently inaccurate and immediately change the focus of the conversation to whether or not what has just been stated is true. So you may wish to tell your boss, “You never reward my good work”, however a more successful approach is to start the conversation assuming that your boss has no idea of the impact of their actions on you, and that because they are well motivated, that once you alert them to this oversight, that they would naturally want to correct it.

Explaining your story helps you to be understood. It’s your story so you will have to take the lead, regardless of how uncomfortable that feels.

Remember also that different people receive and process information differently, so you may have a boss that gets what you are trying to explain very quickly, and you may have a boss that wants to spend a little more time considering and testing your conclusions.