Beyond words. Crafting respectful conversations.

Do you think a negotiation is just about having a conversation with ideally an agreement at its end? Yeah nah. Negotiations are social situations and when individuals come together there are layers to the interaction.

How you approach the other person, what you say and how you say it creates an impact. You can empower and uplift someone, or you can berate and put them on the back foot. You get to choose how you want set the scene. How comfortable you want your negotiating counter-party to be and how you want them to be changed by interacting with you should be part of your pre-negotiation planning. The language you choose to use, is a big part of this.

Let’s start with the context. Each negotiation has a social and cultural setting that provides both pitfalls to avoid and opportunities to seize.

So for example, there are exclusion conventions. This is where some people cannot speak easily to others. Here’s an example. As a senior operational leader from some years ago, my team looked after the cleaners. It took years of my time meeting with cleaners at 5am in the morning, for individual cleaners to feel okay about talking to me. They did not consider it ‘normal’ to be speaking with a senior leader. As a result they felt quite nervous and shy about speaking with me. Asking me questions first required that they have the courage to speak up and break this convention.

There are also prohibitions. Remember when your Mum told you never to discuss “sex, politics or religion” when you are first meeting new people for fear of upsetting them? Boom. Prohibition, right there. This is where certain topics are considered inappropriate for social discourse because they potentially make the other person uncomfortable. Sadly, in workplaces, one of the key prohibitions is discussing your salary.

And then there is decorum. Decorum is “proper” and “polite” behaviour. Of course what is considered proper and polite varies greatly across cultures and in my experience generations. I simply wouldn’t have dreamed to have some of the conversations with my Nanna that I have with my twenty-something sons. Had I had some of those conversations with her, I certainly wouldn’t have used the same language. The way we talk, (tone, use of humour, brevity) and the language we use (eg. generational changes in the meanings of words) is very very different. The thing to remember about decorum is that at its base is a desire to convey respect to others.  For these reasons decorum in a business setting often translates into behaviour that is thoughtful, calm, controlled and polite.

Social conventions are a big part of the reason why salary negotiations feel so uncomfortable. After all you are about to have a conversation that is socially prohibited! So even if it is just you and your boss (who presumably likes you and the work you do for them) sometimes the conversation feels super sensitive to us. So worrying that we often decide not to have the conversation, rather than to work through the discomfort.

Working through the discomfort isn’t for everyone. Thousands of women choose not to negotiate their salaries ever. Sadly this choice comes at a cost. A literal cost. According to the Australia Institute’s Centre for Future Work, Australia women earn $1.0 million less (yes you read that correctly) over their lifetime than men. Sheesh! Right?

However, if you are the kind of women who wants more for themselves and is prepared to do the work, to move through the discomfort in order to achieve the career and the salary you’ve always dreamed about, then the strategies I teach are for you!

Check out the offerings on my website products page or get in touch with me at Alex@fairpaynegotiations.com