3 skills you need to build trust

Understanding, or at the very least having a sense of what motivates your negotiating counter-party, is important to capturing the opportunities to create trust in a negotiation. Without having a sense of what drives the other person, it’s easy to mis-interpret the motivations for what is put forward in negotiation, this in turn can make agreement harder to reach.

Prior to a negotiation you often get the opportunity to learn about your negotiating counter-party. It might be tempting to make assumptions prior to your negotiation, for example you might feel that the Procurement Manager of an organisation, is more likely to be cost driven in comparison with a Contract Manager who might be more process or relationship driven. However it’s the human person behind the title that you want to understand a little more. Personal motivations are never absent from negotiations, so understanding a little more about a personal driver, can help you to build respectful and trusting foundations for your negotiation.

The first skill you will need is listening. This is such an undervalued skill. It requires you to have an open mindset and to genuinely and with curiosity engage with the other person. To listen to really understand. What meaning are they trying to convey? You will need to ask questions to really drill into what is important for them. Your observations of the person while they are speaking will also help you to determine their personal drivers. Consider the tone of their voice, their emotions as they speak and their body language. When they speak, are there things that are said in a quiet and determined way, while other things are spoken about with energy and passion?

Follow up your observations with open questions like, “Can you help me to understand that a little more?” “What was it about [insert issue] that really affected you?” Open questions will stimulate the other person to talk more and you will improve your understanding. At the same time, your willingness to listen, will help them to feel that you are genuinely curious about them AND your are taking the time to really hear what they have to say. In a busy world, this kind of meaningful connection helps people to feel seen and understood.

A second skill to use is to withhold your judgement. Retaining a dispassionate countenance, to be largely silent and listening, allowing the other person to talk, without interjection or comment, will help them to feel that you are a safe person to speak to. Sometimes people will say things that feel a little sharp or edgy to you, and its important in these moments to sit with what has been said and acknowledge it as that person’s truth, even if it may not align with you or your values. When emotional things are put forward it’s important to acknowledge the emotion as valid, even if you disagree with what is being said. So for example a comment like, “I understand that [insert issue] is really important to you.” This acknowledges the persons feeling space without taking the issue on yourself. You withholding your judgement also allows that person more room to move on from their emotions, which can act as defensive blocks in a negotiation.

The third skill is to show empathy. When you are listening and therefore not speaking, you can do this through your own body language. Make sure that you are sitting (or standing) up straight in a relaxed and open way (no folded arms for example) and use an encouraging smile, while also nodding your head every so often to show that you are listening. Or using small verbal affirmations, like “Right”, “Yes” and “I understand”. Retaining your own openness and showing that you hear and understand while the other person is speaking creates a respectful space. Once your counterpart feels heard and respected they are more likely to relax and engage in a constructive way.

Spending time prior to your negotiation to understand the person you are negotiating with is an inherently respectful way to open your discussions. In a busy world with time-bound meetings and formal procurement processes to follow, it often isn’t given the time it needs, or is skipped altogether. The downside of not putting in  this time, is that any agreed outcomes may not actually meet the needs of both parties, and can unravel when your agreement becomes pressured, often resulting in dispute.