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2 strategies to deal with feeling uncomfortable

Picture of Alex Hanlon
One of the big issues that comes up frequently for women in pay rise negotiations, is the issue of feeling uncomfortable*. This feeling of discomfort, often triggered by your amygdala screaming at you to get you to drop the whole idea, is temporary. 
 
Having said that, if you are in a situation where you have a meeting at the end of the week for your negotiation, this ‘temporary’ feeling may last several days. The point is that feeling uncomfortable will pass. Which is why we should not let it put us off asking, remember the financial downside of not negotiating? The gender gap that runs into millions of dollars over the course of your career. Yep. That.
 
So is there something that we can do to turn the volume down on this awful feeling to bring some sense of ? You bet your cotton socks there is.
 
The first strategy is to shift your perspective on the negotiation. This is a cognitive reappraisal technique. Every time you catch yourself thinking how nervous you are, remember your learning and growth zones. When you are doing something new, it feels different. It feels uncomfortable. The challenge is to remind yourself to see this moment as a sign of your personal growth. Think about a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. Like metamorphosis, moving through your negotiation is likely to be strenuous and holding firm on your value may be uncomfortable, however when you emerge you have learned new things. Like the butterfly you will have the strength to fly.
 
The second strategy is to progressively expose yourself to uncomfortable negotiating situations to build your tolerance of feeling uncomfortable. This is also a cognitive therapy technique used in the treatment of phobias. Start by taking small challenges and then gradually take on more difficult. Over time what once felt daunting will become more manageable.
 
In Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever's second book “Ask for It” [this book follows up their previous research and brilliant book “Women don’t ask” and is recommended reading] some suggested practice steps to get you started are:
  • Ask for something that you’re pretty sure you can get
  • Ask for something that you would like to to get but won’t much care if you don’t
  • Ask for something from a complete stranger, someone who doesn’t know you and whom you’ll probably never see again
  • Ask for something that you know will be easy for the other person to give you
By reframing discomfort as part of your growth and gradually increasing you exposure to the feeling of being uncomfortable you can strengthen your negotiating mindset.
 
Both strategies need practice!
 
* There is a heap of research that goes into WHY women feel so self-effacing and men typically don’t. Check out my other blogs on this topic.
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